Tuesday, January 31, 2017

The Planning Freaks Me Out

(Otherwise known as Purge + Sort + Organize = Anxiety)

Ok. I didn't expect this. The other night I decide to sit down for a few minutes and work out a schedule of sorts for myself. 

There are five things I'd like to get done on a regular basis: Framing, Cleaning/Purging/Card Making/ Crafting and Sewing.

And I thought, "Well, there are five weekdays, so why not schedule one per day?" Simple and effective, I hoped. Except that just trying to wrap my brain around that idea caused me a good deal of anxiety! Seriously, really? Why? Why is this so darned hard to do?

I don't know, but it is. 

And I enlisted help to purge, sort and organize my house. My original plan was for her to come and work with me from 10:00 am until 4:00 pm on Monday. I changed that, however, because my husband and I had an appointment come up for 11:00 am that day. So I told Lori that we could work from 1:00 - 4:00.

Boy, am I glad that appointment came up.

First of all, my anxiety levels kept building all morning. By 12:30 I was feeling like I could break into tears at any moment. My heart was doing this slow, heavy beat thing - I call it Thudding. My chest felt constricted and I was at my wit's end. I was so, so tempted to call or message Lori and tell her, "Not today," but I resisted the impulse. As it got closer to 1:00 and she hadn't arrived yet (and I was willing to bet she would be one of those punctual people) I thought maybe she'd changed her mind and wasn't coming after all. Well, a more accurate statement would be I HOPED she'd changed her mind and wasn't coming after all. 

Of course, that wasn't the case, and I knew it wouldn't be because Lori is the kind of person who would call or message me to let me know she wouldn't be coming. 

So, she showed up as scheduled and I gave her a tour of the mess and she didn't run away. I didn't even see her flinch. Of course, I was so anxious I may have missed the flinching. 

And then we got started. We worked diligently for three hours and got an amazing amount accomplished. 

And when we were done (for the day),  I felt.... exhausted. 

No, I did not feel good about what we'd accomplished. I did not feel satisfied or proud. I just felt exhausted. 

And my heart was still Thudding and my chest was still tight and I still felt incredibly anxious. 

Lori thought we could meet again this week to continue and I was quick to say, "NO!" Oh no, no, no, no, no! I cannot do this again this week. No.

So we are going to try next Tuesday at 1:00. 

The reason I was glad we ended up with the appointment at 11:00? I think an entire day of purging, sorting and organizing may have killed me. 

And if I'm dead, what would be the point of the purging, sorting and organizing? 

Tim and I went to Mass at 5:00. I knew that would be a wonderful time to wind down, to connect with God and to get recharged.

Except that I was still anxious after Mass and, in fact, all through the evening. I did some reading. I baked cookies (and ate a bunch of them, as you remember I like to eat when I am anxious) and I went to bed early (10:30). My heart was still Thudding. In fact,  when I woke up an hour later,  it was still Thudding. 

Why? Why is this making me anxious? Because I am getting rid of stuff? Because, because, because - WHY? 

I don't know the answer to that. I am happy to be getting rid of stuff. It's stuff I do not want anymore. Do not need. Why is it making me anxious? Even as I type this, I am feeling the anxiety. Why?

I need to ponder and pray on that a while, I'm afraid. I have no clue why this is so hard.

And right now I want to take a nap more than anything else. Except that I made a pledge to not nap. So that I can sleep better at night. (So far it's not working.) But I want to try it for an extended period of time (a couple of weeks?) and see if I am able to sleep better at night. 

But I could easily fall asleep sitting here. Apparently writing a blog is not stimulating enough to produce the dopamine that I need to feel energized. 

Today is Tuesday: Card making day according to my new schedule. I guess I'll go make some cards. 

1 comment:

  1. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I know purging is hard to do sometimes but I try to make it work for me by giving things away unless it is pure trash. Maybe if it goes to a good place where the useful things can get some love might help. And, I am glad you got to card making day. That is a gorgeous card design. I love all those bright springlike colors which showcase that big sentiment wonderfully. And, I am so proud of you doing regular posts now. They are great and you are a wonderful writer too!