DISCRETION ADVISED. THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS BS.
A couple of weeks ago I had a colonoscopy. I had one done ten years ago, too, and it was great fun, so I decided it was probably time for a repeat. At the age of 44, I was having troubles with multiple bowel movements a day. Like, 12 or more. So my doctor recommended a colonoscopy. I have to say that other than the prep work, I was very happy with the outcome. Not only did the frequent bowel movements cease, but my acne cleared up (substantially), my depression went away, and I began a journey of a 90 pound weight loss. It was pretty amazing, really.
So other than the prep, I was pretty pumped about doing it again. This time I gave the doc some instructions on what I expected from the procedure. Number one: I wanted to increase my ability to stay focused. For more than two seconds at a time. Number two: I wanted to start another 90 pound weight loss, as I’ve gained back most of what I’d lost last time. And number three, I wanted to be able to play the piano. I’ve always wanted to play the piano, but I don’t like the time it takes to learn. Might have something to do with that focus thing.
Anyway, the doctor did not take me seriously at all. I was rather disappointed.
But I have a few questions regarding the profession. I mean, who, really, would choose to go into this particular line of work? How many little kids do you know who have said, “I want to do colonoscopies when I grow up?” Are these the medical students who gave their professors so much grief that the punishment was working with s*&t the rest of their lives? Are they the students who graduated at the bottom of the class and this is all that was open to them? Or perhaps they longed to be speleologists, but their parents said no, they had to pursue a degree that would make more money? I’ve also considered that someone who preforms colonoscopies might come from a long line of plumbers and decided to change it up a bit. Who knows? It certainly was never on my radar as a career choice.
And the prep. That has improved significantly in the past ten years. In 2007 I had to drink something like 14 gallons of Go-litely, a horrible beverage to say the least. This year I only had to consume 64 ounces of Crystal Light lemonade mixed with so much MiraLAX that a spoon could stand straight up in the concoction. Lovely. The first half went down rather quickly and without much trouble, other than the normal complications of drinking a solid. The second half, on the other hand, took an hour and a half to consume. Tasty stuff, let me tell you. I also had to take six laxatives. I used the same kind that I’d used ten years ago. I mean, really. I’d purchased a box of laxatives the last time for $2.38 and only used four of them. There were still a whole bunch left. I certainly wasn’t going to waste good money on another box. The fact that they expired in 2010 didn’t bother me. I mean, it’s not like they were going to go bad, right? I did seriously consider taking more than six as their potency most likely was diminished. Turns out they worked just fine. The prep kept me up all night, literally, but it worked. I was nicely cleaned out when I got to the hospital the next morning.
And just think! If I live long enough, I’ll get to do this again in 2027. Yippee! Maybe next time I can find a doctor like the one I had the first time around: One that gives colonoscopies with all those fringe benefits. This last doctor was cute, but I’d prefer the fringe benefits. I still want to play the piano.